To say the month of February has been an emotional roller coaster is an understatement. If there is a message that has been sent to me over and over it is that I am not good enough. I am not a good enough mom, a good enough wife, friend, sister, church member, athlete, I am not skinny enough, pretty enough, dynamic enough... I just simply am not good enough. There have been highlights like Valentine's Day, my little twingles turning 6, I have had some successes like moderately good looking cookies, some decent craft projects etc. But I can tear each of those apart. The crafting is probably my saving grace, it is the thing that I feel I have value. Then in looking into my calling I came across a talk by Sister Julie B. Beck. She talks about prioritizing. She talks of the necessities like reading the scriptures, prayer, those things that are necessary for you to return to live with Heavenly Father. Then she talks of the needs, like eating, sleeping and much to my dismay cleaning. I would have scoffed at the last but she said something along the lines of your home is like your temple everyday, if it is dirty and chaotic, how can you feel the spirit? Which hit home, I look around and there are piles everywhere, and it puts me in a terrible mood, I can't think and I don't want to deal with any of it! Then she talked about my favorite, the portion where I spend about 95% of my time. The "Fun-To-Do" part. They are good things, but not when they take up your time, and replace the things that are on the other two lists. It is the part that I hang on to the most because it is what I want to be, it is where life focuses on me!
So as I was laying in bed this morning, having a pity party for one, not wanting to get up for the day and cursing just about everybody and everything and repeating my February theme that I am not good enough, I was reminded I am not supposed to be! I am not supposed to be good enough, I am supposed to be lacking and I am supposed to turn to our Savior to make up where I lack. It is only through him that I can ever truly be good enough at anything. In all honestly it is not comforting, but I know that it is OK to not be good enough as long as I am leaning on the Savior. I have so much to work on when it comes to priorities. As weird as it sounds I also know that when I take are of the first two categories I will have plenty of time to do the things in the last category.
I was reminded of this verse found in Matthew Chapter 11
28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Life is all about learning, growing and reshaping, it is not always perfect, but I do know it is worth it and that is what I tell myself on those days when I want to climb in a hole and never come out. I am thankful for those around me that love me despite my imperfections or maybe because of them. I am thankful for a Savior who is willing to put in the .99 cents when all I have is a penny to make that dollar. What a perfect plan.
P.S. My theme song for February "I'm Trying to be like Jesus" was the practice hymn in Relief Society on Sunday, at a moment when I was in a particularly bad mood!