The storm is not helping comfort boo-boos or hurt feelings. This storm frightens me as my children leave and I have to let them learn, and trust that we as parents taught them well enough that they can problem solve during crisis and not fall apart. Dating is the worst! It is still that mix of emotions watching your child fall in deep like or heaven forbid love. To know that with that string of emotions comes a fragility that scares me. Whoever my baby falls for has the power to break them and possibly shatter them. To trust that your child will hear your words and know that they are loved unconditionally by some one even greater than an imperfect parent is a difficult thing.
As these children leave and find out who they are and where they want to go, I get to sit and watch. I get to wait until they need me. I get to find how I fit into their life. Ugh! Isn't that scary and exciting?! Since I cannot just sit and wait, I have to rediscover who I am. Actually I need to disover who I am for the first time. What am I passionate about? What am I really good at? How can I serve? What are my weaknesses, not the ones that you beat yourself up over but the ones that I hide under other stuff?
I know I want my story to help people. It is not a miraculous story, or even an amazing story but it is mine. The experiences I have to offer again are not earth shattering, they were common trials that many go through. I have found as soon as you find out you are not alone, things tend to not be so bad.
Some of my experiences:
- I am from divorced and remarried parents. I was very young and have little to no memory of their marriage. I have watched both parents be single, date and eventually marry their perfect match (29 years and 10 years).
- I tried going away to college on my own and it was REALLY hard.
- I am a convert to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I got married in the temple and none of my family was there to witness the best decision I ever made. They were there to celebrate afterwards. It was difficult to do what is right for me and at the same time hurt the ones I love. I do not regret it,I know that sometimes even the best decisions do not come without heartache.
- I have 6 kids and I wanted every single one of them. Even when we shockingly got a 2 for 1! I like to call birth stories badges of honor. I really had uneventful pregnancies and births but I sure am proud of them. I can do hard things.
- My first baby had hip problems and was in a brace during the first 3 months of her life. The first 12 ours were an emotional roller coaster.
- I have not one but TWO diabetic children. How did I get so lucky to have 2 diabetes sweeties. There is so much in this experience. Diabetes is like living in a world of guidelines where even guidelines changeat any moment. You can do the same exact thing everyday and have wildly differenct experiences. Atleast that is what I have heard. I do not have a consistent bone in my body.
- I had to hold it together while I could only watch during some of the hardest moments in my husband's life.
I have felt this urge to blog again. Maybe it is more about journaling but I want to find who I am before all my kids are gone and I am left as a stranger to myself. Hopefully I can figure out how to serve others on my journey. I know without a doubt there is a bigger picture and I am responsible for opening my eyes to see it.