Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Why Hello there Blog...

It has been a long time since I have posted and it has been a roller coaster of emotions. Here I am in my early thirties for a few more weeks (35 is mid-thirties folks so please don't judge me when I say I am still in my early thirties! :) ) This past year we started out with our son diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. I still have a hard time balancing it with "so what, it's not a big deal. He will survive and live a long healthy life" and "this is just too hard!" Most of the time I am in the former, but every once in a while I find myself with the latter attitude and I want to shake myself and remind myself of the first. Soon after that we had to deal with a job change for Jeremy. It was a several month limbo land. Again I found myself struggling between two emotions. "The Lord has a plan and we will be taken care of" and "this is just too hard." Of course this isn't mentioning that this particular struggle weighed more on Jeremy. In April we found out that Lauren was also Type 1 diabetic, this was easier to handle but still nobody wants to have their child medically dependent on anything. The pendulum of emotions did not swing quite as hard, but pricking her skinny little fingers was a bit harder than Jackson's pudgy bear hands. After we found out that Jeremy would still have a job, he was asked if he was opposed to moving to LA. That was a horrible time. I couldn't talk to any one about it and part of me was emotionally pulling away from anyone that I care about. I understand now when friends move, they tend to stop socializing so much. Good-byes are hard. Lucky for us we found out that we do indeed get to stay here. There is this constant emotional battle with having faith that it will all work out and I just am tired, I don't want to do this any more. The truth is I am tired, but I know that my challenges are nothing compared to so many that are struggling with far greater issues. My kids are healthy and the Lord did bless our family, in every circumstance. Is it the road I would have chosen? Not really. I don't like shedding tears. I do know it is so much easier to see the blessings when you have the backdrop of yuckiness. It is like looking at the planet Venus. It is the brightest thing in the sky next to the sun and moon! I love walking in the morning or at night and seeing that planet. It is bright enough that you can even see it mid-day when you know where to look. In my case all these rough spots I see are the darkness, but there are bright spots. I know where to look when things are tough, the scriptures, talks by church leaders and even when I attend church and am uplifted by a person's testimony. Each of those things are like that beautiful bright star in the night. During the day when the sun is up and everything is shining it is so much harder to see that brightness. Those great blessings are camouflaged by the light of day or the times when the trials are fewer or less noticeable, we tend to not look as hard for the bright and shiny stars. I do miss blogging, it is my journal, my often extremely emotional journal. I hope I can find the time make the priority to write more. It is soothing to the soul and I seriously think it will make my head less crowded if I just get these random thoughts and feelings out. What inspired this post? My mother-in-law gave me President Uchtdorf's book: Forget Me Not. It is basically this talk in a beautiful form. As I read it I was reminded Of the first petal "Forget not to be patient with yourself." That section alone got me thinking...all day. I have a horrible problem with comparing myself to others.I can say that at least 98% of the time, I am feeling inadequate or not good enough. The other two percent I might be feeling up to par. I hear things like "How do you do it all?" and I feel fake because I don't! I look around and see everyone else "doing it all" and wonder how is that possible. I loved when President Uchtdorf reminds us that
God is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not.
It seems silly with all the great counsel in this talk this is what I need to hear. He words it perfectly when he says
God wants to help us to eventually turn all of our weaknesses into strengths, but He knows that this is a long-term goal.
. Which means again I need to learn patience. I will have you know I never pray for patience NEVER!!!!! Do you have any idea why? Every time I do, I receive a trial of patience! 100% of the time!!!! Luckily Heavenly Father wants me to have patience and has decided I need patience rather quickly and since I won't ask He will give it to me anyways! So as I ask for patience with family, children, people I work with (on a volunteer basis of course), the answer is not to have patience with them but with me. Stop having such high expectations of who I am supposed to be and enjoy who I am. I am sure it isn't an easy task, but knowing the task at hand is such a relief. I am so grateful to have a knowledge and testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know with out a doubt that he suffered so I could find happiness. And through his atonement, I will find every happiness that the Lord has in store for me. I am also grateful for a pretty phenomenal husband. I feel so fortunate that he chose me to be his wife. I can tell you, I didn't see it coming! But I am lucky to share the responsibility to raise, teach and love our children with such a GOOD man. I am grateful for 6 amazing children who love me more than Jeremy (You can ask them!(: ). They truly are my crown jewel. I know pride is a sin, but I am so proud of who they are, they blow me a way with their understanding and kindness. I love each of them very much and count them as my greatest achievements in my life. If you read this all, answer me this: Who is someone you look up to and what quality do you wish you had like that person? Signature

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