He loves me!

After a few weeks of planning a new schedule and feeling strongly that I can go to the temple and make it work.  I was able to go because of a babysitting swap.  Life at times can be challenging and I knew that I have been neglecting my covenants and responsibility as well as comfort guidance and blessings by not going to the temple.  At this time in my life, I know that it is hard with a little one at home, but I realized I will do 3 babysitting swaps a week so I can work in the classroom.  While that is important, it is more important that I be spiritually uplifted so I can be a better mother and wife, which makes the additional volunteering possible and beneficial.

Today I went and it was so worth it and man was my life enriched because of it.  I won’t go into all the details of why, but I want to share with you a particular aspect.  I got to the temple a bit early and was waiting for the 7:00am session to start.  The room never filled up.  Finally one couple and another lady showed up.  We proceeded to begin the session.  As I looked around I had the distinct feeling that they were there because I was.  It seems vain, but I truly believe they were temple workers who made sure that session happened because I needed it to.  At the end of the session we say a prayer.  The purpose of the prayers is to pray over the names that have been shared by temple visitors.  During this prayer they also prayed for those who were in the session that day.  I cannot recall the words exactly, but in this prayer I was told through confirmation of the spirit that Heavenly Father Loves me and will give me the strength that I need.  I am not alone, He will never leave me!  When the prayer was over, tears started flowing and I had to control myself so that it wouldn’t turn into sobbing.  They were tears of joy and peace.

The love that I felt in that moment knowing that all those people in that room participated so I could have this experience was amazing.  I know we have to go through hard things, but we also need to receive the love of our Father in Heaven.  I am grateful for the blessings of the temple and the peace that resides inside.  I am grateful for a friend who is willing to watch Jackson so I can go to the temple and for a husband who will get the children ready for school without giving instructions so I can go early.  Lastly I am grateful for my children who asked many times when is Mommy coming home, they missed me!

Why Hello there Blog...

It has been a long time since I have posted and it has been a roller coaster of emotions. Here I am in my early thirties for a few more weeks (35 is mid-thirties folks so please don't judge me when I say I am still in my early thirties! :) ) This past year we started out with our son diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. I still have a hard time balancing it with "so what, it's not a big deal. He will survive and live a long healthy life" and "this is just too hard!" Most of the time I am in the former, but every once in a while I find myself with the latter attitude and I want to shake myself and remind myself of the first. Soon after that we had to deal with a job change for Jeremy. It was a several month limbo land. Again I found myself struggling between two emotions. "The Lord has a plan and we will be taken care of" and "this is just too hard." Of course this isn't mentioning that this particular struggle weighed more on Jeremy. In April we found out that Lauren was also Type 1 diabetic, this was easier to handle but still nobody wants to have their child medically dependent on anything. The pendulum of emotions did not swing quite as hard, but pricking her skinny little fingers was a bit harder than Jackson's pudgy bear hands. After we found out that Jeremy would still have a job, he was asked if he was opposed to moving to LA. That was a horrible time. I couldn't talk to any one about it and part of me was emotionally pulling away from anyone that I care about. I understand now when friends move, they tend to stop socializing so much. Good-byes are hard. Lucky for us we found out that we do indeed get to stay here. There is this constant emotional battle with having faith that it will all work out and I just am tired, I don't want to do this any more. The truth is I am tired, but I know that my challenges are nothing compared to so many that are struggling with far greater issues. My kids are healthy and the Lord did bless our family, in every circumstance. Is it the road I would have chosen? Not really. I don't like shedding tears. I do know it is so much easier to see the blessings when you have the backdrop of yuckiness. It is like looking at the planet Venus. It is the brightest thing in the sky next to the sun and moon! I love walking in the morning or at night and seeing that planet. It is bright enough that you can even see it mid-day when you know where to look. In my case all these rough spots I see are the darkness, but there are bright spots. I know where to look when things are tough, the scriptures, talks by church leaders and even when I attend church and am uplifted by a person's testimony. Each of those things are like that beautiful bright star in the night. During the day when the sun is up and everything is shining it is so much harder to see that brightness. Those great blessings are camouflaged by the light of day or the times when the trials are fewer or less noticeable, we tend to not look as hard for the bright and shiny stars. I do miss blogging, it is my journal, my often extremely emotional journal. I hope I can find the time make the priority to write more. It is soothing to the soul and I seriously think it will make my head less crowded if I just get these random thoughts and feelings out. What inspired this post? My mother-in-law gave me President Uchtdorf's book: Forget Me Not. It is basically this talk in a beautiful form. As I read it I was reminded Of the first petal "Forget not to be patient with yourself." That section alone got me thinking...all day. I have a horrible problem with comparing myself to others.I can say that at least 98% of the time, I am feeling inadequate or not good enough. The other two percent I might be feeling up to par. I hear things like "How do you do it all?" and I feel fake because I don't! I look around and see everyone else "doing it all" and wonder how is that possible. I loved when President Uchtdorf reminds us that

God is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not.

It seems silly with all the great counsel in this talk this is what I need to hear. He words it perfectly when he says

God wants to help us to eventually turn all of our weaknesses into strengths, but He knows that this is a long-term goal.

. Which means again I need to learn patience. I will have you know I never pray for patience NEVER!!!!! Do you have any idea why? Every time I do, I receive a trial of patience! 100% of the time!!!! Luckily Heavenly Father wants me to have patience and has decided I need patience rather quickly and since I won't ask He will give it to me anyways! So as I ask for patience with family, children, people I work with (on a volunteer basis of course), the answer is not to have patience with them but with me. Stop having such high expectations of who I am supposed to be and enjoy who I am. I am sure it isn't an easy task, but knowing the task at hand is such a relief. I am so grateful to have a knowledge and testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know with out a doubt that he suffered so I could find happiness. And through his atonement, I will find every happiness that the Lord has in store for me. I am also grateful for a pretty phenomenal husband. I feel so fortunate that he chose me to be his wife. I can tell you, I didn't see it coming! But I am lucky to share the responsibility to raise, teach and love our children with such a GOOD man. I am grateful for 6 amazing children who love me more than Jeremy (You can ask them!(: ). They truly are my crown jewel. I know pride is a sin, but I am so proud of who they are, they blow me a way with their understanding and kindness. I love each of them very much and count them as my greatest achievements in my life. If you read this all, answer me this: Who is someone you look up to and what quality do you wish you had like that person?

The best patient ever

We received Lauren's test results and it is official she is Type 1 diabetic.  I am still alittle shocked and now have a worry that more will come.  The good news is that Lauren has taken to this so well.  I am impressed for some one who is so sneaky that she will not eat anything without asking first.  After about a week of having us test her sugars she asked to do it and did it well.  She checks her own sugars at least before two meals a day.  I am flaberghasted that she is already doing that.  Today I asked her if she wanted to try practicing giving a shot with a real needle (she gives me shots with the cap on!).  She said yes.  When we had Jackson they sent us home with a bottle of sterile water, a needle and orange.  It is what I used in the hospital to practice.  So I let her use a needle and pulled out an ugly cutie (haha!) and walked her through it.  I video taped it the second time still being coached, but she still did it.

I always marvel at the intelligence and ability of children at such a young age.  We are not handing over the reigns and she has rules such as an adult needs to be present when she tetes her sugar.  As for the shots, it will be many moons until we trust her, besides the math calculations involved are a little above her smarty pants level.

She is still emotional but I can already see a difference in her behavior.  When she is short tempered or super sensitive, her sugars are high.  Her lows like Jackson are hard to detect.  Luckily we check fairly frequently so it hasn't gotten bad.  I think Jackson's sugar was in the high 30s before we atarted seeing signs.  Lauren had her first real low today at 49 and she was sompletely normal.  So that is a little scary.  I never want to see how low they can go before they are in a danger zone.


I love my little sweeties (I like to call them that more now that when we test we say we need to test how sweet you are!)  I am grteful for the lessons they teach me.  Being a parent is hard work, but when you look and watch what these kiddos can do, they are so amazing.

Time to get fit!

Last night as Jeremy and I were doing dishes I asked for a favor.  I said can we get up in the morning together and say a prayer in the morning.  You know the saying couples that pray together stay together.  I want to stay together and think Heavenly Father is a big part of that!  So anyways I asked him and told him that my hidden agenda was to get up so I will get back into exercising.  It is a need!  I have 5 races planned this year.  Three 5K races (3rd Annual 5k Stars and Stripes run, San Fran 5K Color Run, and the Nitro Turkey on Thanksgiving morning), my first Ragnar experience (24 hour 12 person relay form San Fran to Napa) and my third time doing the See Jane Tri (A tri-sprint: 1/4mile swim, 12 mile bike, and 5k run).  So with that I need to start running and getting fit!  He happily agreed.  So when I went to bed last night I set my alarm for the 2:00am sugar check for the kids and the second for 5:50am.  My alarm went off this morning and I was really tired and couldn't believe I didn't set my 2:00am alarm or slept right through it.  Exhausted or not I had to bite the bullet and get up.  I woke Jeremy up and it took a minute or so to shake off the sleepies, but we managed.  We said our prayer and Jeremy stood up to head to the bathroom and said "Why does your clock say 2:22am?"  I am still chuckling over this one.  I did check the kids sugar and went back to bed but still.  I haven't been able to have a sound thought at 2:00am for a while so it wasn't surprising that the digital 2 looked like a 5!  Then when I came home for exercising this morning I saw this and had a good laugh again!

As always it was worth it to get up and get the blood pumping.  I am so grateful to a dear friend Lanette who has spent the last five years being there and leading a circut type class twice a week.  I am thankful for her consistency over the years!  Now off to the races!

 

The week from...

Well it wasn't that bad but I will not be requesting a repeat that is for sure.  All week I wanted to write an emotional dump post.  Half way through the week I finally realized that I don't know how to emotionally deal with the change with Lauren.  I realized I was so busy with the other commitments that I was living in a fog and pushing the emotional aspect in a closet.  Truly I was in survival mode and exhausted at that.  The things I had to get accomplished last week were: binding a class auction quilt, a baby gift basket including a car seat tent, diaper wipes clutch, and flannel burp cloths.  There was classroom volunteering to do, a Girl's Camp kick-off meeting, I helped with another class auction item, swim team practice, preschool for Jackson (luckily it wasn't my week), Lauren's first Diabetes appointment.  Not to mention making dinners, dishes and Haylie and Hannah's first grade plays, for which I was coordinating last minute details while in the hospital with Lauren on Sunday, lunch on the Green for the kids' school, Mormon Helping Hands was Saturday, teaching my regularly scheduled Sunday School Class and substituting for the Sunbeam class as well...I think that is all I had to do. (A sweet girl that I visit teach had her baby this week and ended up in the ER because her baby's jaundice was so high and I didn't even visit her!)  Those were the things I knew about.  On Friday Haylie performed in her school play and unknowing to us had a 102.8 fever, which Miranda joined in and Saturday and it hasn't let up completely, Jackson has come down with pink eye, and now Lauren got shots today and her arm is sore.

This sold at the auction for $45 to help purchase a computer lab for our school!

The carseat handle goes through the loops!

I go a lot accomplished but I could sometimes feel the light headedness when I started thinking too much.  It is amazing how a simple manageable disease can cause such an emotion.  Mentally I am OK with this I know she will be fine, she has adjusted so well that she didn't even cry when she got her last 4 immuization shots for Kindergarten.  She is happy to have diabetes with Jackson and he is happy to share it with her.

With the diabetes we have decided it would be too much to ask anyone to watch our kids while both Jeremy and I went to Girl's Camp.  So Jeremy had to ask them to reconsider having him go to which they fully agreed.  It was hard for him, he felt that he was letting some one down, but had no doubt that he needs to be at close to home.  Jeremy will be able to work but be home to give shots and calculate carbs.  Bev, Jer's Mom will be with the kids while he is at work.

We have been so blessed with supportive friends and family.  I cannot explain how fortunate I feel to be surrounded by so many people who love me and my family.  There is never a doubt we will be taken care of always.

One of the questions that I get asked a lot is "How are you doing?" Very few people get a response from me with tears in my eyes, but a few have seen it.  My response is typically "Good."  I mean honestly it sucks! but what are we going to do?  It isn't devastating, or terminal it is a weird form of vitamins to make your body work properly.  I always want the dominant emotion in my house to be joy, laughter, peace, comfort.  This is a time that I can make that happen or be sad and angry.  I choose to find the joy in it...I mean I am sure there is some sort of college grant for people with type 1 diabetes right?  I have been able to use some creative juices (aka emotional therapy) to decorate their glucose meter cases so we can tell them apart.  I learned that Lauren only likes "alphabet letters not cursive letters" as she cried herself to sleep because she was not happy with the cursive L.

For some reason I can't rotate it!

I guess the main point is I am doing well be it is an adjustment and sometimes it is harder than others.  If I wasn't so busy last week I may have cried more.  The best way to not feel sorry for yourself is to serve others.  I have learned that I need to love my family more, they are the most important thing to me and I cannot have them ever doubt that they are my first priority and I love them very much.  Each one!

...and then there were two!

You know when life gets into a groove and you are feeling comfortable watch out!  This is a sad story with a pretty neat personal experience, one I want remembered by my children.  Four months ago on the 22nd of December we found out Jackson was diabetic.  Exactly four months after that date, on April 22nd...

On Sunday we went to church and things were seemingly normal.  Lauren start asking for water throughout our first meeting.  Then we sent her to class.  When it was time for her to go to her individual sunday school class she fell apart.  With fear of starting a habit, the primary president (Jeremy's mom) brought her to me since she was so upset.  I started talking to her and then she said "Mom, I'm just really thirsty" as alligator size tears poured from her eyes.  We went and got her water and then some more, she was happy and walked back to class.  I returned to my meeting and it hit me with force that she too, is diabetic.  I couldn't help the tears flow as I realized she had been waking up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom for the last few weeks, and even had a tiny accident that morning.  I KNEW it, but was still in shock.  The hardest part was Jeremy was at another building supporting some young men who were leaving on a mission soon.  I couldn't talk to him with my revelation.

On a side note but this is the very cool part.  My lesson was on receiving personal revelation.  When preparing this I thought, this will be a hard lesson as I don't have much experience.  As I read the lesson, I had a few past experiences come to mind.  So the seed was planted, when I received the distinct feeling about Lauren, I knew my Heavenly Father was helping me.

I came home and texted Jeremy.  Still not sure what to do I remembered we had an unused meter from when Jackson was diagnosed (we got a free one sent to us in addition to his own).  I decided I would check her sugar and it read 575.  For Jackson, which still they let run a bit high his range is 150-180 but closer to 100 is ideal.  I called the advice nurse and she said my feelings and concerns are warranted but there could be other reasons for the high number.  It wasn't exactly what I was looking for but it wasn't a definite yep!  Then I collapsed on the floor on the other side of the bed and cried REALLY hard. It didn't hurt as bad as with Jackson and it wasn't because I was angry, but becasue this couldn't be happening right?  Was I strong enough? Could I not freak the kids out?  I got a phone appt. for an hour later with the oncall pediatrician.  When Jer was able to call he didn't say that I was crazy, he said "You know, I had a dream that Lauren was diabetic, but I brushed it off, I am not totally surprised."  We KNEW!  When the doctor called I told her my suspicions, and then threw in about the reading.  She stopped instantly and said you need to take her straight to the ER, this cannot wait until tomorrow."  I called my mother-in-law who came right over to sit with the kids until Jeremy got home.  As I was leaving I told her Jackson had not had lunch yet and she stopped for a minute and said "Oh, that's right" but Jeremy would be home to give the shot so off I went.  On a mother daughter overnight date to "the hostibal that Jackson got didobetes from" as Lauren said when we were walking up.  I did try to clarify that he was diagnosed there, he didn't "get it" from there.

So that is our newest story.  I am so grateful for the revelation from a kind and compassionate Father in Heaven.  There was a peaceful resolve in knowing, even though there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth inside as I was trying to talk myself out of what I knew.  I knew I didn't have to be afraid and I was definitely not angry, but I couldn't help but wonder what I still need to learn that Heavenly Father has given us this extra challenge.

Lauren is taking to it so well and having already seen the transtion with Jackson has made it easier for her.  There are blessings to come from this being so close, but far enough that we are comfortable and confident in our ability to manage diabetes.  Now she at times she really is the sweetest sneaky sneak that ever walked this earth!

Sevenis a good number! TWICE!

Today is a good day in our home.  Haylie and Hannah turn 7 today.  It is hard to believe that it has been that long since they joined our family.

Here is a little video of them growing up:

They have grown so much and I am so proud of who they are choosing to be.   They are both great students, and for the most part great friends, they are still girls after all but they are learning!  I love watching them pack their own lunch, it blows me away that my smallest babies could be big enough to do grown up things like that!

I miss sharing stories about when they would get into trouble together like cutting each others hair, doing each others make-up...with my make-up, trying to pass the blame on putting rocks in the dryer only to realize the other twin was blaming them, so switching and taking the blame only to see your sister do the same thing.  Then with big question eyes point to each other again..., but I love to watch them now and see the things they can accomplish, like their ability to read, ride bikes and write!

Hannah is learning to sew using the sewing machine she asked for from Santa.  Haylie likes to help me in the kitchen and is usually the one who will grab a towel and start drying them off for me.

Happy Birthday girls, I love you!

Here is a video about Jackson's Poke!

Here is a little video showing how well Jackson is doing with his pokes.  Thanks to tips from Bev's cousin Alayne and help from Tamra shots are getting easier.  He will take his shots only if he gets to give a shot to someone else afterwards.   He has even given Jer a shot in the bum-bum, that was priceless, (through his jeans of course!)!

Two weeks later...

It was two weeks ago that we learned more about diabetes that I really ever wanted to know.  I have cried whined, made people shed a tear for our family.  I really felt I should let you know how we have adjusted and how things are going.  For some reason the worst part of life is the not knowing how long you have to endure something.  Once you are through it, it doesn't seem as bad.

It started off Jackson would cry saying "Don't poke me mommy it hurts."  As he would ball his little hands into fists and hide his fingers behind his back.  One night as I snuck into his room while sleeping on his back, I must have startled him.  Without waking up he slid his hands under his tiny body!  I thought it would be months before it wouldn't be a fight.

I can tell you I am pleasantly surprised at how well he has adjusted and as long as I don't think about exactly what I am doing, it is easy as pie!

The other day Logan was calling Jackson down from the snack bar to play with him.  Jackson in all seriousness said "Just a minute Logan, I need to get my poke first."  And another time we sat down to eat and Jackson with a worried expression said "Wait! I need my poke."  Just the words doesn't do this justice.  His eyes were open wide with a very serious expression.  Here is a little one who is not going to shirk his duties!

We now tell him we need to check and see how sweet he is so it is time for a poke.  Starting a couple of days ago, we let him help pick the testing strips for the glucometer (not even sure if this is what it is called) and insert it in.  We are letting him be a part of it and something we do together and who ever is interested can watch and learn.  He puts in his strip which turns on the meter.  We are teaching him to check and make sure that the number on the canister match the number that shows on the meter.  Today for the first time,  he helped me get the lancet (pokey thing) ready by putting in the tiny needle and twisting off the protective cover.  I put the other part back on.  He picks a finger...(side story, he held up his two pointer fingers and shook one and said this finger is happy, this finger is sad, so he chose the happy finger to get poked).  After he has decided which finger I push the poker up to his finger.  We sometimes count to 4 then today he actually pushed the button.  Then with a smile he looks at me and smiles "It worked, it poked me mommy."  Sometimes he even goes far enough to say "Look there is blood."  As for shots we are working on that part.  I still might run and hide even pretend to be upset, but as soon as it is over he has forgotten all about it.

He is such an amazing kid and cracks me up everyday.  Being part of  a big family makes it hard when so much time and energy is needed for one child.  The other kiddos are taking it in stride.  All of their teachers know, and have been very supportive by letting them talk about it.  We are returning to normal and getting special moments with each of the kids.  We had a great Monday, before really starting the new year, we had a day of fun and games, reading watching movies, pajamas until 3:00pm.  It was so much fun.  I am loving these kids, that they are old enough to play games with us, you know fun games!

Who knows what my future posts will tell, but Diabetes will not be our whole life, just a tiny little element that has settled in nicely!