Holding tight to family

A few years ago I received a necklace.  It has two discs.  The bigger one has the first initial of all 6 of my children, the second has the initials J & A plus the year of our wedding.  There are a few baubles as well.  I love this necklace and fiddle with it alot. 

I was at Sam's Club doing some shopping and my little part time side kick was being cuddly and leaning on me. He started pulling on my necklace playing with it.  I thought about it and figured that he was busy, not hurting anything and let him continue.  It wasn't until he started looking for something that I pulled back and asked him not to pull on it.  It turned out in his pulling he was able to wriggle one of the discs out of the jump ring.  I was so grateful he still had it because I would never have known until it was too late, I would have lost a piece.

Immediately I thought of my family.  I wear this necklace alot and mindlessly play with it but don't think much about it. I knew letting Mac pull on it was not the best idea but what was the harm so I allowed him to pull on it a little harder.  I was satisfied with his distraction that I allowed him to pull because it seemed harmless.  Do you see where I am going?

It hit me like a ton of bricks.  Are there things in my family, that I allow to creep in and tug and pull? Are there things that I may not approve of but because it keeps them happy nd seems harmless because I am keeping an eye on the situation, so I allow them to be pulled? Then it falls apart and I didn't even notice?

Sometimes I feel like the responsibility of parenthood holds too much risk.  How do you let your babies go out in the world and protect them at the same time? The only answer I can come up with is  pray, remember by reading the scripture and writing in your journal, follow the prophets, old and new, and walk in faith.

It also reminded me to not get complacent or too comfortable with how I protect my family.  Not assume because the kids are not fighting that everything is OK.  To remember just because we are a close family doesn't mean we are untouchable.  We need to be constantly vigilant to protect what is most important and make conscious decisions when it comes to our family.  Knowing what is important for my family doesn't mean it is important for another, just because another family works a certain way doesn't mean mine has to.

Oh Little Dusty Blog

This little blog used to be my way of laughing through the hard times.  Reviewing what I had experienced and processing it.  Finding the joy in the storm.  The storm of raising young children is now a memory.  I truly miss parts of those years.  Now the storm has changed.  It is a little more subtle.  I am not frustrated with the powdered sugar spinkled in the living room, 2 year olds with my make-up on their faces or sibling haircuts. Now it is getting closer to the time of watching my amazing children fly and being left behind, alone and not knowing who I am or what I am passionate about.

The storm is not helping comfort boo-boos or hurt feelings.  This storm frightens me as my children leave and I have to let them learn, and trust that we as parents taught them well enough that they can problem solve during crisis and not fall apart. Dating is the worst!  It is still that mix of emotions watching your child fall in deep like or heaven forbid love.  To know that with that string of emotions comes a fragility that scares me.  Whoever my baby falls for has the power to break them and possibly shatter them. To trust that your child will hear your words and know that they are loved unconditionally by some one even greater than an imperfect parent is a difficult thing.

As these children leave and find out who they are and where they want to go, I get to sit and watch.  I get to wait until they need me.  I get to find how I fit into their life.  Ugh! Isn't that scary and exciting?!  Since I cannot just sit and wait, I have to rediscover who I am.  Actually I need to disover who I am for the first time.  What am I passionate about? What am I really good at? How can I serve? What are my weaknesses, not the ones that you beat yourself up over but the ones that I hide under other stuff?

I know I want my story to help people.  It is not a miraculous story, or even an amazing story but it is mine.  The experiences I have to offer again are not earth shattering, they were common trials that many go through.  I have found as soon as you find out you are not alone, things tend to not be so bad.

Some of my experiences:

• I am from divorced and remarried parents. I was very young and have little to no memory of their marriage.  I have watched both parents be single, date and eventually marry their perfect match (29 years and 10 years).
• I tried going away to college on my own and it was REALLY hard.
• I am a convert to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  I got married in the temple and none of my family was there to witness the best decision I ever made.  They were there to celebrate afterwards.  It was difficult to do what is right for me and at the same time hurt the ones I love. I do not regret it,I know that sometimes even the best decisions do not come without heartache.
• I have 6 kids and I wanted every single one of them.  Even when we shockingly got a 2 for 1! I like to call birth stories badges of honor.  I really had uneventful pregnancies and births but I sure am proud of them. I can do hard things.
• My first baby had hip problems and was in a brace during the first 3 months of her life.  The first 12 ours were an emotional roller coaster.
• I have not one but TWO diabetic children. How did I get so lucky to have 2 diabetes sweeties.  There is so much in this experience. Diabetes is like living in a world of guidelines where even guidelines changeat any moment. You can do the same exact thing everyday and have wildly differenct experiences.  Atleast that is what I have heard.  I do not have a consistent bone in my body.  
• I had to hold it together while I could only watch during some of the hardest moments in my husband's life.

I have felt this urge to blog again.  Maybe it is more about journaling but I want to find who I am before all my kids are gone and I am left as a stranger to myself. Hopefully I can figure out how to serve others on my journey. I know without a doubt there is a bigger picture and I am responsible for opening my eyes to see it.