Grateful for relationships

When my thoughts get too long for a Facebook status...well they usually are too long any way, but this will be longer.  At this moment I have a truly grateful heart.  Don't get me wrong life still has problems, but I feel so fortunate to have so many wonderful people around me.  Different walks of life, different beliefs, different ideas...it makes life good.  I wanted to take a moment to thank the many of you who have touched my life, made me a better person and those that say nice things about me and my family it means the world to me.  It is like a daily dose of chocolate without the calories!  I would love to name you personally, but I will try and catch all of you in a category.

I am thankful for my family, the one I grew up with, we are still different and I can be difficult, but you love me and are still excited to spend time with me!  I am thankful for the family I married into, you have each accepted me as one of your own, like I had always been a part of you.  I am grateful for the family that I have the pleasure to share my home with, each of you bring me so much joy, a joy I didn't understand before I had the opportunity to be a wife and mother.

I am grateful for those who I have met through church.  Your example has definitely helped me have a desire to be a better person, I have work to do, but at least there is hope.  Some of you have taught me invaluable lessons and you probably don't even know it, but I have been humbled and grew from those experiences.  For those I have been able to serve with in a church capacity, and those who have served me, whether it is by teaching, visiting teaching and helping run the show, you all have taught me a great deal about service.

The friends I have made through the years, it is easy to get lost in the role of mother and you help me keep a bit of my silly self and allow me to have fun being just me.  Life has changed over the last 15 years and some of us are further apart then we would like to be, but your friendship still means the world to me!  Late night chats when guards are down are still my all time favorite moments with the gals! ;)

Those people who I have met through my kids school.  I never thought it would be possible to enjoy a community so much.  I have had a blast getting to know you and knowing that my kids are surrounded by great people! We have been so fortunate to know those that teach my kiddos, and I feel even more blessed to call you friends as well.  Your hard work and diligence and passion for what you do never cease to amaze me...even when I am scatter brained, you are still happy to see me!

Those of you who I have had the pleasure to do preschool swaps, baby sitting swaps and any other kind of swap, I am thankful for you and the experiences you have brought with you.  Again I feel so lucky for those friendships my kiddos have established when they were young and continue to grow.

Getting involved in swim team, I have meet so many amazing people and created another little community.  Some of you would seem to be an unlikely person for us to create a friendship, but I am so grateful our paths have crossed and the moments we get to share.  I adore the passion you have for those Gator guys and gals.

I was introduced to a new world a few years ago when Lauren and Jackson were diagnosed with diabetes, I am grateful for each of you who have shared your personal struggles and experiences, been willing to offer advice and even knowing that someone I know truly understands the challenges of this disease.  I feel a kinship to you even if we are not in the same tight circle of friends.

There are a few of you who we have had a difficult path, whether it is political, religious, or even my prickly at times personality.  There has been times when tears were shed and my heart hurt because I didn't know if these differences would be too much for a friendship.  I truly am grateful that our friendship has stood through those tests and I adore each of you who think differently than I do, it keeps me flexible and open.   It doesn't mean we have to agree, but it helps me understand a different point of few and appreciate those differences.

I am so grateful for each of your examples and influence in my life.  Most importantly I am grateful for a Savior, who knows my flaws and imperfections and loves me unconditionally.  Sometimes life is difficult and hard to swallow, sometimes I just don't want to face what lies ahead, but because of each of you I can find joy even when times are rough.  If you have crossed paths with me in anyway, please know I am sending a heartfelt thank you for all that you do!

Prayerfully seeking guidance.

My best thinking happens when I should be sleeping. It is also when I bear my testimony.  I know the more you share it the stronger it gets. So I want to share a piece of my testimony here.  I always wish that the words I speak come across as well formed, clear and eloquent as it does in my head. Usually what does come out is a series of disjointed thoughts.

I want to share an experience, I will be a bit vague but hopefully there will be enough for you to understand. For a while Jeremy and I have felt like we were in a stagnant place and that Heavenly Father was waiting for us to take a leap of faith. We needed to make a choice but we didn't know what it was yet. Finally after a time we decided to move forward. We started making some decisions and acting on them. It didn't feel right or wrong other than the good feeling of acting instead of waiting. Out of the blue we received a blessing that was a long shot. It was everything we had dreamed about. It felt so perfect. I will remember that day for many reasons. The spirit spoke so strongly to me. The dreamer in me had our life planned in 3 seconds tops! The spiritually sensitive side was quick to say this isn't the answer but a reminder that your family is not forgotten and Heavenly Father knows about you and loves you. I spent the rest of the day on the brink of tears of gratitude. The feeling of love and comfort was so strong. Well as things went along it has not been the answer to prayers that we had hoped. It is frustrating, disappointing and sad. As these dreams are yet to be realized and that hope has vanished it has left me feeling numb like where do we go from here and why was this experience needed. How are we supposed to act on faith when there are no obvious decisions to be made at this moment. As I sit here awake tonight, I am reminded of that feeling or impression that I had at the moment my mind took off and planned our future. The still small voice of the Holy Ghost testified to me of the love of my Heavenly Father. Not our future. The experience did show how the path we were looking into was not the right one, but the right one is still to be seen. Although I would take great comfort in knowing what we should do, I also take great comfort in knowing that my family is not alone in these times of unclear decisions. There is an amazing future laid out before us and like a good mystery I am sure to be surprised at where we end up, but I know we are in good hands and trying to be patient for it to be clear in front of us.

A post is hard to read when there are no pictures so to tie it in, these six cuties are the reason we choose to prayerfully follow the spirit and walk with our Father in Heaven. I am truly grateful to walk with them on this journey.
 

He loves me!

After a few weeks of planning a new schedule and feeling strongly that I can go to the temple and make it work.  I was able to go because of a babysitting swap.  Life at times can be challenging and I knew that I have been neglecting my covenants and responsibility as well as comfort guidance and blessings by not going to the temple.  At this time in my life, I know that it is hard with a little one at home, but I realized I will do 3 babysitting swaps a week so I can work in the classroom.  While that is important, it is more important that I be spiritually uplifted so I can be a better mother and wife, which makes the additional volunteering possible and beneficial.

Today I went and it was so worth it and man was my life enriched because of it.  I won’t go into all the details of why, but I want to share with you a particular aspect.  I got to the temple a bit early and was waiting for the 7:00am session to start.  The room never filled up.  Finally one couple and another lady showed up.  We proceeded to begin the session.  As I looked around I had the distinct feeling that they were there because I was.  It seems vain, but I truly believe they were temple workers who made sure that session happened because I needed it to.  At the end of the session we say a prayer.  The purpose of the prayers is to pray over the names that have been shared by temple visitors.  During this prayer they also prayed for those who were in the session that day.  I cannot recall the words exactly, but in this prayer I was told through confirmation of the spirit that Heavenly Father Loves me and will give me the strength that I need.  I am not alone, He will never leave me!  When the prayer was over, tears started flowing and I had to control myself so that it wouldn’t turn into sobbing.  They were tears of joy and peace.

The love that I felt in that moment knowing that all those people in that room participated so I could have this experience was amazing.  I know we have to go through hard things, but we also need to receive the love of our Father in Heaven.  I am grateful for the blessings of the temple and the peace that resides inside.  I am grateful for a friend who is willing to watch Jackson so I can go to the temple and for a husband who will get the children ready for school without giving instructions so I can go early.  Lastly I am grateful for my children who asked many times when is Mommy coming home, they missed me!

Why Hello there Blog...

It has been a long time since I have posted and it has been a roller coaster of emotions. Here I am in my early thirties for a few more weeks (35 is mid-thirties folks so please don't judge me when I say I am still in my early thirties! :) ) This past year we started out with our son diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. I still have a hard time balancing it with "so what, it's not a big deal. He will survive and live a long healthy life" and "this is just too hard!" Most of the time I am in the former, but every once in a while I find myself with the latter attitude and I want to shake myself and remind myself of the first. Soon after that we had to deal with a job change for Jeremy. It was a several month limbo land. Again I found myself struggling between two emotions. "The Lord has a plan and we will be taken care of" and "this is just too hard." Of course this isn't mentioning that this particular struggle weighed more on Jeremy. In April we found out that Lauren was also Type 1 diabetic, this was easier to handle but still nobody wants to have their child medically dependent on anything. The pendulum of emotions did not swing quite as hard, but pricking her skinny little fingers was a bit harder than Jackson's pudgy bear hands. After we found out that Jeremy would still have a job, he was asked if he was opposed to moving to LA. That was a horrible time. I couldn't talk to any one about it and part of me was emotionally pulling away from anyone that I care about. I understand now when friends move, they tend to stop socializing so much. Good-byes are hard. Lucky for us we found out that we do indeed get to stay here. There is this constant emotional battle with having faith that it will all work out and I just am tired, I don't want to do this any more. The truth is I am tired, but I know that my challenges are nothing compared to so many that are struggling with far greater issues. My kids are healthy and the Lord did bless our family, in every circumstance. Is it the road I would have chosen? Not really. I don't like shedding tears. I do know it is so much easier to see the blessings when you have the backdrop of yuckiness. It is like looking at the planet Venus. It is the brightest thing in the sky next to the sun and moon! I love walking in the morning or at night and seeing that planet. It is bright enough that you can even see it mid-day when you know where to look. In my case all these rough spots I see are the darkness, but there are bright spots. I know where to look when things are tough, the scriptures, talks by church leaders and even when I attend church and am uplifted by a person's testimony. Each of those things are like that beautiful bright star in the night. During the day when the sun is up and everything is shining it is so much harder to see that brightness. Those great blessings are camouflaged by the light of day or the times when the trials are fewer or less noticeable, we tend to not look as hard for the bright and shiny stars. I do miss blogging, it is my journal, my often extremely emotional journal. I hope I can find the time make the priority to write more. It is soothing to the soul and I seriously think it will make my head less crowded if I just get these random thoughts and feelings out. What inspired this post? My mother-in-law gave me President Uchtdorf's book: Forget Me Not. It is basically this talk in a beautiful form. As I read it I was reminded Of the first petal "Forget not to be patient with yourself." That section alone got me thinking...all day. I have a horrible problem with comparing myself to others.I can say that at least 98% of the time, I am feeling inadequate or not good enough. The other two percent I might be feeling up to par. I hear things like "How do you do it all?" and I feel fake because I don't! I look around and see everyone else "doing it all" and wonder how is that possible. I loved when President Uchtdorf reminds us that

God is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not.

It seems silly with all the great counsel in this talk this is what I need to hear. He words it perfectly when he says

God wants to help us to eventually turn all of our weaknesses into strengths, but He knows that this is a long-term goal.

. Which means again I need to learn patience. I will have you know I never pray for patience NEVER!!!!! Do you have any idea why? Every time I do, I receive a trial of patience! 100% of the time!!!! Luckily Heavenly Father wants me to have patience and has decided I need patience rather quickly and since I won't ask He will give it to me anyways! So as I ask for patience with family, children, people I work with (on a volunteer basis of course), the answer is not to have patience with them but with me. Stop having such high expectations of who I am supposed to be and enjoy who I am. I am sure it isn't an easy task, but knowing the task at hand is such a relief. I am so grateful to have a knowledge and testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know with out a doubt that he suffered so I could find happiness. And through his atonement, I will find every happiness that the Lord has in store for me. I am also grateful for a pretty phenomenal husband. I feel so fortunate that he chose me to be his wife. I can tell you, I didn't see it coming! But I am lucky to share the responsibility to raise, teach and love our children with such a GOOD man. I am grateful for 6 amazing children who love me more than Jeremy (You can ask them!(: ). They truly are my crown jewel. I know pride is a sin, but I am so proud of who they are, they blow me a way with their understanding and kindness. I love each of them very much and count them as my greatest achievements in my life. If you read this all, answer me this: Who is someone you look up to and what quality do you wish you had like that person?

The best patient ever

We received Lauren's test results and it is official she is Type 1 diabetic.  I am still alittle shocked and now have a worry that more will come.  The good news is that Lauren has taken to this so well.  I am impressed for some one who is so sneaky that she will not eat anything without asking first.  After about a week of having us test her sugars she asked to do it and did it well.  She checks her own sugars at least before two meals a day.  I am flaberghasted that she is already doing that.  Today I asked her if she wanted to try practicing giving a shot with a real needle (she gives me shots with the cap on!).  She said yes.  When we had Jackson they sent us home with a bottle of sterile water, a needle and orange.  It is what I used in the hospital to practice.  So I let her use a needle and pulled out an ugly cutie (haha!) and walked her through it.  I video taped it the second time still being coached, but she still did it.

I always marvel at the intelligence and ability of children at such a young age.  We are not handing over the reigns and she has rules such as an adult needs to be present when she tetes her sugar.  As for the shots, it will be many moons until we trust her, besides the math calculations involved are a little above her smarty pants level.

She is still emotional but I can already see a difference in her behavior.  When she is short tempered or super sensitive, her sugars are high.  Her lows like Jackson are hard to detect.  Luckily we check fairly frequently so it hasn't gotten bad.  I think Jackson's sugar was in the high 30s before we atarted seeing signs.  Lauren had her first real low today at 49 and she was sompletely normal.  So that is a little scary.  I never want to see how low they can go before they are in a danger zone.


I love my little sweeties (I like to call them that more now that when we test we say we need to test how sweet you are!)  I am grteful for the lessons they teach me.  Being a parent is hard work, but when you look and watch what these kiddos can do, they are so amazing.

Time to get fit!

Last night as Jeremy and I were doing dishes I asked for a favor.  I said can we get up in the morning together and say a prayer in the morning.  You know the saying couples that pray together stay together.  I want to stay together and think Heavenly Father is a big part of that!  So anyways I asked him and told him that my hidden agenda was to get up so I will get back into exercising.  It is a need!  I have 5 races planned this year.  Three 5K races (3rd Annual 5k Stars and Stripes run, San Fran 5K Color Run, and the Nitro Turkey on Thanksgiving morning), my first Ragnar experience (24 hour 12 person relay form San Fran to Napa) and my third time doing the See Jane Tri (A tri-sprint: 1/4mile swim, 12 mile bike, and 5k run).  So with that I need to start running and getting fit!  He happily agreed.  So when I went to bed last night I set my alarm for the 2:00am sugar check for the kids and the second for 5:50am.  My alarm went off this morning and I was really tired and couldn't believe I didn't set my 2:00am alarm or slept right through it.  Exhausted or not I had to bite the bullet and get up.  I woke Jeremy up and it took a minute or so to shake off the sleepies, but we managed.  We said our prayer and Jeremy stood up to head to the bathroom and said "Why does your clock say 2:22am?"  I am still chuckling over this one.  I did check the kids sugar and went back to bed but still.  I haven't been able to have a sound thought at 2:00am for a while so it wasn't surprising that the digital 2 looked like a 5!  Then when I came home for exercising this morning I saw this and had a good laugh again!

As always it was worth it to get up and get the blood pumping.  I am so grateful to a dear friend Lanette who has spent the last five years being there and leading a circut type class twice a week.  I am thankful for her consistency over the years!  Now off to the races!

 

The week from...

Well it wasn't that bad but I will not be requesting a repeat that is for sure.  All week I wanted to write an emotional dump post.  Half way through the week I finally realized that I don't know how to emotionally deal with the change with Lauren.  I realized I was so busy with the other commitments that I was living in a fog and pushing the emotional aspect in a closet.  Truly I was in survival mode and exhausted at that.  The things I had to get accomplished last week were: binding a class auction quilt, a baby gift basket including a car seat tent, diaper wipes clutch, and flannel burp cloths.  There was classroom volunteering to do, a Girl's Camp kick-off meeting, I helped with another class auction item, swim team practice, preschool for Jackson (luckily it wasn't my week), Lauren's first Diabetes appointment.  Not to mention making dinners, dishes and Haylie and Hannah's first grade plays, for which I was coordinating last minute details while in the hospital with Lauren on Sunday, lunch on the Green for the kids' school, Mormon Helping Hands was Saturday, teaching my regularly scheduled Sunday School Class and substituting for the Sunbeam class as well...I think that is all I had to do. (A sweet girl that I visit teach had her baby this week and ended up in the ER because her baby's jaundice was so high and I didn't even visit her!)  Those were the things I knew about.  On Friday Haylie performed in her school play and unknowing to us had a 102.8 fever, which Miranda joined in and Saturday and it hasn't let up completely, Jackson has come down with pink eye, and now Lauren got shots today and her arm is sore.

This sold at the auction for $45 to help purchase a computer lab for our school!

The carseat handle goes through the loops!

I go a lot accomplished but I could sometimes feel the light headedness when I started thinking too much.  It is amazing how a simple manageable disease can cause such an emotion.  Mentally I am OK with this I know she will be fine, she has adjusted so well that she didn't even cry when she got her last 4 immuization shots for Kindergarten.  She is happy to have diabetes with Jackson and he is happy to share it with her.

With the diabetes we have decided it would be too much to ask anyone to watch our kids while both Jeremy and I went to Girl's Camp.  So Jeremy had to ask them to reconsider having him go to which they fully agreed.  It was hard for him, he felt that he was letting some one down, but had no doubt that he needs to be at close to home.  Jeremy will be able to work but be home to give shots and calculate carbs.  Bev, Jer's Mom will be with the kids while he is at work.

We have been so blessed with supportive friends and family.  I cannot explain how fortunate I feel to be surrounded by so many people who love me and my family.  There is never a doubt we will be taken care of always.

One of the questions that I get asked a lot is "How are you doing?" Very few people get a response from me with tears in my eyes, but a few have seen it.  My response is typically "Good."  I mean honestly it sucks! but what are we going to do?  It isn't devastating, or terminal it is a weird form of vitamins to make your body work properly.  I always want the dominant emotion in my house to be joy, laughter, peace, comfort.  This is a time that I can make that happen or be sad and angry.  I choose to find the joy in it...I mean I am sure there is some sort of college grant for people with type 1 diabetes right?  I have been able to use some creative juices (aka emotional therapy) to decorate their glucose meter cases so we can tell them apart.  I learned that Lauren only likes "alphabet letters not cursive letters" as she cried herself to sleep because she was not happy with the cursive L.

For some reason I can't rotate it!

I guess the main point is I am doing well be it is an adjustment and sometimes it is harder than others.  If I wasn't so busy last week I may have cried more.  The best way to not feel sorry for yourself is to serve others.  I have learned that I need to love my family more, they are the most important thing to me and I cannot have them ever doubt that they are my first priority and I love them very much.  Each one!

...and then there were two!

You know when life gets into a groove and you are feeling comfortable watch out!  This is a sad story with a pretty neat personal experience, one I want remembered by my children.  Four months ago on the 22nd of December we found out Jackson was diabetic.  Exactly four months after that date, on April 22nd...

On Sunday we went to church and things were seemingly normal.  Lauren start asking for water throughout our first meeting.  Then we sent her to class.  When it was time for her to go to her individual sunday school class she fell apart.  With fear of starting a habit, the primary president (Jeremy's mom) brought her to me since she was so upset.  I started talking to her and then she said "Mom, I'm just really thirsty" as alligator size tears poured from her eyes.  We went and got her water and then some more, she was happy and walked back to class.  I returned to my meeting and it hit me with force that she too, is diabetic.  I couldn't help the tears flow as I realized she had been waking up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom for the last few weeks, and even had a tiny accident that morning.  I KNEW it, but was still in shock.  The hardest part was Jeremy was at another building supporting some young men who were leaving on a mission soon.  I couldn't talk to him with my revelation.

On a side note but this is the very cool part.  My lesson was on receiving personal revelation.  When preparing this I thought, this will be a hard lesson as I don't have much experience.  As I read the lesson, I had a few past experiences come to mind.  So the seed was planted, when I received the distinct feeling about Lauren, I knew my Heavenly Father was helping me.

I came home and texted Jeremy.  Still not sure what to do I remembered we had an unused meter from when Jackson was diagnosed (we got a free one sent to us in addition to his own).  I decided I would check her sugar and it read 575.  For Jackson, which still they let run a bit high his range is 150-180 but closer to 100 is ideal.  I called the advice nurse and she said my feelings and concerns are warranted but there could be other reasons for the high number.  It wasn't exactly what I was looking for but it wasn't a definite yep!  Then I collapsed on the floor on the other side of the bed and cried REALLY hard. It didn't hurt as bad as with Jackson and it wasn't because I was angry, but becasue this couldn't be happening right?  Was I strong enough? Could I not freak the kids out?  I got a phone appt. for an hour later with the oncall pediatrician.  When Jer was able to call he didn't say that I was crazy, he said "You know, I had a dream that Lauren was diabetic, but I brushed it off, I am not totally surprised."  We KNEW!  When the doctor called I told her my suspicions, and then threw in about the reading.  She stopped instantly and said you need to take her straight to the ER, this cannot wait until tomorrow."  I called my mother-in-law who came right over to sit with the kids until Jeremy got home.  As I was leaving I told her Jackson had not had lunch yet and she stopped for a minute and said "Oh, that's right" but Jeremy would be home to give the shot so off I went.  On a mother daughter overnight date to "the hostibal that Jackson got didobetes from" as Lauren said when we were walking up.  I did try to clarify that he was diagnosed there, he didn't "get it" from there.

So that is our newest story.  I am so grateful for the revelation from a kind and compassionate Father in Heaven.  There was a peaceful resolve in knowing, even though there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth inside as I was trying to talk myself out of what I knew.  I knew I didn't have to be afraid and I was definitely not angry, but I couldn't help but wonder what I still need to learn that Heavenly Father has given us this extra challenge.

Lauren is taking to it so well and having already seen the transtion with Jackson has made it easier for her.  There are blessings to come from this being so close, but far enough that we are comfortable and confident in our ability to manage diabetes.  Now she at times she really is the sweetest sneaky sneak that ever walked this earth!

Sevenis a good number! TWICE!

Today is a good day in our home.  Haylie and Hannah turn 7 today.  It is hard to believe that it has been that long since they joined our family.

Here is a little video of them growing up:

They have grown so much and I am so proud of who they are choosing to be.   They are both great students, and for the most part great friends, they are still girls after all but they are learning!  I love watching them pack their own lunch, it blows me away that my smallest babies could be big enough to do grown up things like that!

I miss sharing stories about when they would get into trouble together like cutting each others hair, doing each others make-up...with my make-up, trying to pass the blame on putting rocks in the dryer only to realize the other twin was blaming them, so switching and taking the blame only to see your sister do the same thing.  Then with big question eyes point to each other again..., but I love to watch them now and see the things they can accomplish, like their ability to read, ride bikes and write!

Hannah is learning to sew using the sewing machine she asked for from Santa.  Haylie likes to help me in the kitchen and is usually the one who will grab a towel and start drying them off for me.

Happy Birthday girls, I love you!

Here is a video about Jackson's Poke!

Here is a little video showing how well Jackson is doing with his pokes.  Thanks to tips from Bev's cousin Alayne and help from Tamra shots are getting easier.  He will take his shots only if he gets to give a shot to someone else afterwards.   He has even given Jer a shot in the bum-bum, that was priceless, (through his jeans of course!)!

Two weeks later...

It was two weeks ago that we learned more about diabetes that I really ever wanted to know.  I have cried whined, made people shed a tear for our family.  I really felt I should let you know how we have adjusted and how things are going.  For some reason the worst part of life is the not knowing how long you have to endure something.  Once you are through it, it doesn't seem as bad.

It started off Jackson would cry saying "Don't poke me mommy it hurts."  As he would ball his little hands into fists and hide his fingers behind his back.  One night as I snuck into his room while sleeping on his back, I must have startled him.  Without waking up he slid his hands under his tiny body!  I thought it would be months before it wouldn't be a fight.

I can tell you I am pleasantly surprised at how well he has adjusted and as long as I don't think about exactly what I am doing, it is easy as pie!

The other day Logan was calling Jackson down from the snack bar to play with him.  Jackson in all seriousness said "Just a minute Logan, I need to get my poke first."  And another time we sat down to eat and Jackson with a worried expression said "Wait! I need my poke."  Just the words doesn't do this justice.  His eyes were open wide with a very serious expression.  Here is a little one who is not going to shirk his duties!

We now tell him we need to check and see how sweet he is so it is time for a poke.  Starting a couple of days ago, we let him help pick the testing strips for the glucometer (not even sure if this is what it is called) and insert it in.  We are letting him be a part of it and something we do together and who ever is interested can watch and learn.  He puts in his strip which turns on the meter.  We are teaching him to check and make sure that the number on the canister match the number that shows on the meter.  Today for the first time,  he helped me get the lancet (pokey thing) ready by putting in the tiny needle and twisting off the protective cover.  I put the other part back on.  He picks a finger...(side story, he held up his two pointer fingers and shook one and said this finger is happy, this finger is sad, so he chose the happy finger to get poked).  After he has decided which finger I push the poker up to his finger.  We sometimes count to 4 then today he actually pushed the button.  Then with a smile he looks at me and smiles "It worked, it poked me mommy."  Sometimes he even goes far enough to say "Look there is blood."  As for shots we are working on that part.  I still might run and hide even pretend to be upset, but as soon as it is over he has forgotten all about it.

He is such an amazing kid and cracks me up everyday.  Being part of  a big family makes it hard when so much time and energy is needed for one child.  The other kiddos are taking it in stride.  All of their teachers know, and have been very supportive by letting them talk about it.  We are returning to normal and getting special moments with each of the kids.  We had a great Monday, before really starting the new year, we had a day of fun and games, reading watching movies, pajamas until 3:00pm.  It was so much fun.  I am loving these kids, that they are old enough to play games with us, you know fun games!

Who knows what my future posts will tell, but Diabetes will not be our whole life, just a tiny little element that has settled in nicely!

A new language

NovoLog, Lantus, lancets, Glucose, insulin...On Thursday our life took a turn, I won't say for the worst because I am already seeing so many great blessings come from it.  Jackson our just shy of 3 years old was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes.  It is the kind that will require insulin for the rest of his life!  I blame it on Jeremy, if his family gets the choice of being in the majority or being on the least likely side, the latter is the route they go on.  90% of all diabetes cases are Type 2, and 10% are Type 1.  Type 1 is insulin defendant, Type 2 can sometimes be regulated by diet alone and you can not change from Type 1 to Type 2.

Here is how we found out which I think is a small miracle myself.  We were having a conversation with Bev, Jeremy's mom.  We were complaining how Jackson would wet through a diaper in an hour, like running down his legs full!  We would change him in the middle of the night and he would still wake up covered in pee, and sometimes when we changed him the first time too.  She had also noticed that he was crying for water a lot.  I just thought he was holding it because of potty training and drinking more water due to the new water dispenser in the refrigerator door.  She said "I know I tend to think the worst and worry too much, but these are symptoms of diabetes, you may want to have him checked."  Later I found out as a teacher they train you to look for these signs so they can suggest to parents to get tested.  Diabetes unchecked can be a very bad thing.  So I emailed my doctor and she sent back a message rather quickly saying get him tested that day.  That was a shock because I wasn't expecting her to act on it.  So I didn't quite obey because I had no reason to believe there was anything wrong with Jackson, most symptoms were reasonable with a terrible two/torturous three little boy.  I went first thing the next morning (yes I got my non potty trained little boy to go in a cup!)  Then we left for a play date with a friend. 

On my way home Jeremy called and asked where we were telling me he was at home FOR THE REST OF THE DAY, yipee!  He had taken the afternoon off to take us all to lunch and a movie.  When I got home I checked his lab results on line.  There were two lines that were not right.  The glucose where a normal range is 0-29 his was <1000 0-9="0-9" 15="15" 1="1" 60.="60." a="a" an="an" and="and" anyone="anyone" asking="asking" at="at" be="be" been="been" being="being" bit.="bit." blood="blood" broke="broke" call="call" called="called" checking.="checking." coordinated="coordinated" correctly.="correctly." could="could" couple="couple" course="course" diabetes="diabetes" diabetic="diabetic" doctor="doctor" duress="duress" else="else" emailed="emailed" er="er" even="even" expected="expected" explanation.="explanation." fabulous="fabulous" for="for" genius="genius" going="going" googled="googled" got="got" guess="guess" had="had" happening="happening" have="have" heart="heart" his="his" hospital="hospital" i="i" in="in" is="is" jackson="jackson" ketones="ketones" key="key" least="least" led="led" looks="looks" mean="mean" medical="medical" minutes="minutes" more="more" my="my" nbsp="nbsp" night="night" normal="normal" not="not" of="of" on="on" one="one" or="or" our="our" over="over" p="p" pedi-endocrinologist="pedi-endocrinologist" pedi="pedi" pediatrician="pediatrician" pretty="pretty" rare="rare" said="said" seriously="seriously" she="she" shocked="shocked" so="so" stay.="stay." stay="stay" still="still" straight="straight" stuff="stuff" symptomatic.="symptomatic." take="take" talking="talking" test="test" that="that" the="the" there="there" they="they" this="this" though="though" thought.="thought." times="times" to="to" today="today" told="told" type="type" urgent="urgent" us="us" was="was" we="we" went="went" were="were" when="when" where="where" will="will" within="within" word="word">

We got there at 4:30 and by 6:30 we were in our room, getting instructions and information that was almost foreign to me.  I went and Jeremy took care of the rest of the kiddos.  We were told the overnight stay was really to train us on how to care for Jackson, so I went since I would be the one with him most of the time.

All of the sudden my little spaz of a boy became a sick fragile little thing with one test result.  He was a fantastic patient.  We stayed two nights in the hospital and they helped to get us home on Christmas Eve at 7:30pm.

That night after putting him to bed Jeremy kindly suggested I take a shower (since I hadn't for three days!  GROSS!)  I finally had a moment to cry my heart out until it hurt.  I do truly know and believe that great things will happen in our family.  I know that he will be a normal little boy, and be able to live a normal life, but the thought of him having a "disease" that requires insulin for the rest of his life was difficult to comprehend.  What if he decided he doesn't need it or fights it when he gets older and stronger then us.  Just scary!

It was lousy timing, or so I thought.  I will remember this Christmas for ever as a turning point in our lives.  The next day was Christmas.  Let me tell you the night before I wasn't feeling joy just sadness, especially when we had to stick him with a needle to test his sugars then give him his first does of insulin on our own.  He really is a super cute and sweet little boy.  Before going to bed I calculated the carbs in our traditional Christmas breakfast of bear claws and banana eggnog.  Truly the diabetic breakfast of champions!  It is a new life, and tomorrow it would begin.

And so it did.  With the minor interuption of testing blood sugars, calculating what he ate, and giving a shot, we continued as normal (oh and showering before his insulin), it was a perfect morning.  We got to attend Sacrament (our first church meeting of our Sunday Block).  It was so fabulous to spend the morning thinking about our Savior.  It was a morning of stories and music.  I was near tears during every musical number, sometimes frustrated at Jackson's diagnosis.  Then it hit me when one of the speaker said that Christ suffered for all of our sins.  This wasn't a sin, but he suffered and felt all our pain, he felt our joy too.  But it was the reminder that he felt what I was feeling.  His gift to me was to not let me suffer alone.  I love my Savior, I love that he loves me enough to comfort me in times of weakness, and to celebrate when I realize that he already knew and was waiting for this to happen and lift me up.

A little back story because this post is not long enough...I had prayed recently that Heavenly Father would help me be more consistent and really be able to function with clear thoughts.  I had been so overwhelmed and living in the moment that I was forgetting commitments all the time.  I needed to have meals ready on time so we could have some family time before bed.  I needed this all to happen so the kids could get to bed on time and get there much needed rest.  I needed time with Jeremy when I wasn't too tired to have a conversation.  I am not sure Jeremy prayed for that but I do know he really hoped I would gain these characteristics.  I expected a gentle learning experience, not an abrupt turn for the better.  Because of this diagnosis, meal times are very important, I need to be on a good schedule so Jackson never gets into the low blood sugar zone, and regulate his blood sugar so it doesn't stay too high for too long.  It will involve many things where I have to be organized.  I know it wasn't just this prayer being answered (which I still adamantly insist I would have got there eventually...maybe with out such a dramatic answer) but that He wants me to grow and has something great instore for me and Jackson, and our family since this affects all of us.

So here's to the beginning of our new forever.  Cheers!

My Grandpa

Two summers ago we took a long road trip to Ohio to visit my mom and family.  During that trip I drove a few hours to visit my grandpa Ron, my mom's dad.  It was the first time in many years I got to see him and it will be the last.  It was a visit I will treasure.

When I was about 4 my Mom and Dad separated.  Then for a short month for me (so short I don't remember it) but one long month for my grandparents we lived in a trailer in their driveway.  My memories all blend together but there are many things that blend together.  And for memories sake I would like to jot them down.  We loved to go visit them in their house on the hill.  They had some property and in the back was an acre or so that they had to mow and maintain which required the coolest ride on lawn mower!  Me and my sisters would sit out in the garage when we would visit and pretend that we actually knew how to drive.  They would also go to Pismo Beach.  I only remember one trip and I remember lots of sand.  My grandparents had a couple quads, what they called a rail runner (?).  On the way home one of the families flipped their trailer, so we pulled over on the side of the road waiting for emergency vehicles (no injuries!0 and we ate left over turkey sandwiches (it must have been around Thanksgiving) and the sandwiches were well sandy! My grandma and grandpa separated close to this time.  The things I remember about my grandpa were all in my early years.  I definitely remember his gold El Camino with grapes on the door to represent the Napa based construction company that he co-owned.  I remember going to his house with my grandma Debby, his second wife, in Benicia where he tried to fight the city about the parking right at the 680/780 interchange and that it was an eyesore.  He was very passionate about what irked him.  He is the one that introduced me to the Yule log burning on TV.  Wow that was cool.  I know I had more interaction with him than what I can remember but those memories are locked up tight.

What I know of him is that he was a gruff man, and could be a little intimidating.  He was not mean, he just spoke his mind.  I can honestly say that you would never doubt how he felt.  One of his characteristics that we have named is the Hill glare.  It is a stare of intimidation and one with a raised eyebrow.  While he gets the credit, I am sure every parent who holds any authority, has the same stern look.

When we went to visit him, it was just me and the kids.  He did get to meet all 6 of them and for that I am grateful, even if Jackson and Lauren were too young to remember.  I knew him best as a man from California so I was pleasantly surprised to see how well he fit in and loved the country life.  I shouldn't have doubted since that is where he was born.  He just returned to his roots.  He lived on a hill, come to think of it all three houses that I can remember him in were on a hill, which happens to be his last name!  He got pizza for all of us.  I loved watching him interact with the kids.  His personality was still gruff, but the years had softened him.  It was a sweet surprise to see him be gentle with the kids.  He took several trips on his little buggy to show off his property.  It was neat when he took me and Jackson back there.  He was very proud of his land.

One thing that I will remember is to see the devotion to his wife.  I have no doubt that he loved Grandma Debby.  He showed me this area in the woods that was hard to get to, but he pointed out how Debby loved that area especially because of the butterflies.  He said it inspired her to paint.  He was proud of her.  They were a perfect match for each other.

When Grandpa took them on a ride, they picked flowers for Grandma Debby.

I am sad that he is gone, sad for my mom as well as her brother and sister who have lost their father.  I am sad for Debby who has lost her husband and best friend.  I am at peace with the fact that he is in pain no longer.  I am also grateful for the knowledge of eternal families.  I love the idea that it is a temporary good-bye and I know I will get to see him again.  In the meantime, whenever I look at my feet and laugh because they are exactly a half size difference, I will remember comparing feet with him on his porch and having him tell me that I got that from him! So thank you, Grandpa for passing that on to me!  God be with you til we meet again.  I love you Grandpa!

Jackson was pulling on Grandpa's extra skin.  It made Grandpa laugh!

Not a proud mommy moment!

On Halloween I had the glorious opportunity to chaperone 3 darling 1st graders to the San Francisco Zoo.  It was a lot of fun and the day was perfect.  It didn't start out that way.  In order for me to go on this trip I did some babysitting so I could swap and Jeremy wouldn't have to take the time off of work or worse I wouldn't be able to go!  Let me tell you getting 6 kids ready for the day including lunches and the other things was stressful.  We get ready and things are going smoothly although I am panicking because I am dropping off two kids and picking one up.  It is always more stressful getting other children to school on time and not just your own.  So we get everyone in the car as I start loosing my cool because my keys were not where I left them two days prior!  To say I threw a full on fit would be an understatement!  I recall throwing things and when the yelling started Jeremy started looking as well.  I could not find them anywhere.  The sad part is that we live a few houses away from the school.  And the sitter lives easy walking distance as well.  But I had to drop the 2 little ones off and a carseat.  If I had planned on walking we could have done it had I know 15 minutes earlier! I couldn't even find the spare key! I then started yelling at the kids to help and they got out of the car.  Then I told them to get back in the car.  I looked some more.  At this point Jeremy offered to let me use his key, but I was too mad, proud, stubborn...to accept, besides I didn't want to hear him say a word about how I am always loosing stuff especially my keys!  Finally I decided we would just walk and be super late.  I told the kids to grab the booster out.  I could just imagine the yelling I would have to do to get Lauren and Jackson to walk FAST so we could attempt to get there on time.  Then I threw the booster seat down and yelled "Dammit!" and ran back inside for one last check for the spare key, which happened to be in it's rightful place. (That is how Jeremy places everything...where it SHOULD go!)

We got in the car and made the swap and ran into the school.  I had at least 1.5 minutes until the teacher walked us in.  Yes we made it on time and my blood was still boiling.  I know where I left my keys and they were not there.  So what if it was on the piano where they do not belong.  I know where I left them.  That day after school I bribed the kids with a slice of cake to find my keys.  Logan found them under the roboquad.  I totally forgot I had hid under the end table and tried to use my car keys to turn on the silly robotic toy!  Oh wait it wasn't me it was one of the dynamic duo who stared at my doe-eyed while I continued to be so uncool as a parent!

And the real reason why I am writing this post.  Tonight at scripture study we were reading and something happened and I said "dang it or should I say darn it?"  And Jeremy quickly responded "Well either one is a lot better than what we heard you say the other day!"  And Miranda said "That is the first time I have heard you swear! Have you ever used a swear word before?"  Wow hello humility!  Then Logan pipes in "Yeah I remember, get in the car, get out of the car, get back in the car, out of the car!"   Jeremy said "I figured I had to wait a few days before I could tease you about that."  Then I asked "You heard that?" to which he responded "I think everyone heard that!"  then we talked a little bit more and Logan piped in "Get in the car!"  Oh man was I embarrassed.  Luckily we were all laughing at my expense.  I try to watch my temper because it can be bad and I have done a pretty decent job to never let it get that bad, it was not pretty or admirable or anything remotely close to keeping the spirit close to me.

As I was kissing the kids goodnight, I asked Logan "I know you remember that moment and it wasn't pretty, but can you think of a good moment where you were so glad I was your mom?"  The best he came up with was "when you cook for me"  It wasn't what I was looking for.  I wanted a specific memory, something that confirmed when he grows into a man that he won't look back at his childhood and remember that ugly mother who visited for a brief moment.  I wanted to hear that he remembered a time when we laughed or when I talked to him after he cried.  Or a moment when he was hurt and I was the one that was there form him.  Later Jeremy said that he is a boy, we don't think that sentimental.  I am satisfied with that, only because I know the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach!  I then asked Miranda and was a little unsatisfied when she answered "Your birthday, my birthday,...."  Then I asked for a specific moment, and it took her a second but she responded "When we went out to frozen yogurt."  It was a good night and a good memory.  It was nice to hear her say that, but at the same time I am truly humbled and know how important it is to ALWAYS be a good example, because it is that one time that they will remember.

Had I been smart enough I would have said it was my Halloween costume, I was acting like a witch, I just hadn't put on the green make-up yet!  Here's hoping I won't have to worry about a repeat appearance!

Really? Did That Just Happen?

Be grateful there are no photos!

Jeremy is starting his second Mission Prep class tonight and this is how it went down while he was out.  Jackson fell asleep crying because I was making him pick up 1 mess.  Even though his siblings clean up after him EVERY SINGLE DAY!  (SIDE NOTE:  Is it too much to ask a 2.75 year old to pick up little blocks and put them in the bucket that they are all surrounding?)  When he was awakened he wouldn't stop crying, so I held him to calm him down.  I told the rest of the kids to brush teeth and go potty then we would read scriptures.  All easy-peasy right? Not tonight!  Logan apparently was afraid to use our bathroom because of some creepy noise, thank you Halloween!  So when he went to use the kids bathroom, Miranda quickly got on the potty, isn't she clever?  Logan being 110% inventive boy decides to sit on Jackson's training potty, har-har!  Well apparently it is hilarious, which we do encourage laughter.  I wish it ended there.  Miranda was laughing so hard that she started coughing.  If you know Miranda at all you know the girl could pretty much throw up on command.  One thing that makes it easy is when she is coughing.  Low and behold, she threw up.  Again she is a regular so not a big deal, she knows how to clean herself up (but doesn't need to because she always...usually makes it to the potty).  This time it was in the sink of our long galley style bathroom.  Unfortunately Logan has a weak sauce stomach, but was trapped between a wall and a stinky throw-up.  I think his thought process went subtly like this "I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE PRONTO!"and proceeded to drop his shoulder like he was pushing through the offensive line in a football game.  Unfortunately the gagging got the best of him.  He on the other hand never throws up and when he does it rocks his world.  He made it almost to the door.  Because they were goofing off I said they had to clean it up.  Then Logan proceeds to dry heave.  If you have ever been near a male when they are tossing their cookies, you know that just their stomach contents is not enough, they go for all of their internal organs with the most forceful upchuck noise possible.  The third gag, ended in results, luckily he was at the toilet.  Unluckily he hadn't lifted the lid!  Miranda, bless her sweet little heart, was talking so nice to him to calm him down and even cleaned up the seat.  I sent them all to bed (after re brushing their teeth of course). Lauren was stuck between the dirty toilet seat and the pile on the floor, crying expressing her fear in being stuck between...well you get the idea.  She was able to escape and head to bed.  I cleaned up the floor and made sure the toilet seat was clean, then a thought crossed my mind which truly shocked me.  Not one time was I completely mad at Jeremy for not being here, that is unusual for me when I am cleaning throw up, and he is not.  Maybe I am more mature now that I am 34!  Nope! I just wrote a blog post about throw up!

Oh and I hope you don't mind all the words and no pictures, I was only thinking of you sweet reader, when I did not put them in!

I hear it's your birthday

Ok not yours, but mine. Yes I am officially one year older and wiser too! Jeremy took the day off and we lounged around the house. I then got to work in Logan's classroom while Jeremy did the Costco shopping with the four little ones, I know he is amazing! After that a good friend showed up with goodies in her hand. After welcoming her in and talking for a minute, Jeremy says "I haven't told her." She was there to watch our kids so we could go out to lunch, eat SLOW and TASTE the food. It was really nice, I am grateful for such a wonderful friend. Then we hung out and Jeremy cooked me dinner, Tri-Tip and baked potatoes. Then I made dessert, Apple Turnovers, those were almost as good as the Tri-Tip. While things were cooking I got to open my presents.

Jeremy decided to switch things up this year. He handed the kids a baseball cap with slips of paper in them. I got to pick out a paper, one at a time. As I quickly found out, the slips of paper held the clue/location of each of my gifts. There was a gift hidden in the bathroom, our bedroom, mixed in with jeremy's GRAPHIC NOVELS aka comic books, my china cabinet and a few others. It was a fun way to receive gifts. The kids and I enjoyed running around the house to locate my treasures. I felt extremely spoiled.

Thank you to the man who takes care of us, even though his plate is jam packed with responsibility. We are still number one to him and he spoils me even when I am a little less than deserving. Thank you for all you do and thanks for the fabulous gifts. I love every single one!

Blogs are for bragging right?

We had a super crazy busy Saturday (Do I hear a oh yeah? I am sure mine was busier?)!  It ended with the culmination of Miranda's first year of being on swim team.  They expressed that starting after the age of nine is hard and it only gets harder from that point on.  Since they are swimming against people who have been on swim team for years!

Miranda got her trophy and it was a gold trophy (well the name plaque anyway).  I learned that 1-15 PBs (personal bests, popped times or you may easily say, beating their fastest time recorded) gets you a silver, 15-50 gets you a gold and 50+ gets you a green (I am sure it has something to do with the GATORS!)  Well Miranda got a gold.  I am so proud of her.  Every time she went out and performed and got better every time practically.

When she started the year her breast stroke was a combination of breast and butterfly, it was actually comical. I thought she would get DQ'd (disqualified) for incorrect stroke but they said it was fine.  It has been so amazing watching her grow.  As the season progressed she smiled less when she swam and wore a more serious game face.  She WANTED to do better, but was so happy to participate in any race she could!

Which leads me to her next award.  Most Improved.  There were a lot of first time swimmers, like Miranda, this year which means lots of room for improvement.  The coaches picked one boy and one girl from each age group.  They gave a nice intro using phrases like "this girl" so we didn't know until the end.  Then I was bummed that I didn't record it.  The words were so nice I wish I had!

Young Women's Camp

Last November Jeremy and I were asked to attend girls camp. By January it was decided that I would be the Level 2 leader.  Jeremy was called as the Priesthood leader at camp.  It was a big job, he was great at it as always yadda yadda yadda, but since this is my blog I will share my experience.  Our theme was Quest for the Best: Seeking after Gems of Truth and Righteousness.

I was terribly nervous as I hadn't been to girls camp before, ever!  I had no idea what to expect, and to top it off, one of the girls was really sad that the previous Level 2 leader was not coming this year.  I did lots of google-ing and asking of questions.  I knew it would be a great experience and it did not disappoint.

I spent many hours trying to be creative and worrying about bribing these girls of their affection.  Much did I learn about that too.  They just wanted to be acknowledged, known and valued.  They enjoyed the fun stuff but they enjoyed when I took the time to get to know them.

When I got my list in May, I looked over the names and of the 12 (later 13) girls I knew 2.  One is my good friend's niece and the other, I hadn't seen since she was7.  It just dawned on me that she is in YW's haha!  We drove up on a Monday and got there about 11:00am.  It was so wonderful to be in such a beautiful place (I will not lie from the beginning I knew I would be dirty the WHOLE time between the dirt and the REPEL bug spray).  The trees were gorgeous and camp sits right on a beautiful little lake.  One of my favorite times was chapel in the morning.  At 7:30am we met lakeside and had personal scripture study, the view was breathtaking.  I do think anywhere there are trees and water I will feel at peace.

I was extremely nervous to lead these strangers who throughout my planning I started calling "my girls"  just like my mom affectionately referred to me and my two sisters.  They came up to our designated camp to lay stuff out and it was a little less then easy going.  Most girls slept in one central location, 2 girls slept off to the side, quite a bit away.  Making them a little excluded during the night time chatter.  One of the other issues was that there seemed to be two groups of girls. The second group wanted to stay all together and though the sleeping was a little uncomfortable they stayed together.  The second day my goal was to try and bridge the gap.

That first night for our fireside they did a faith walk.  It was so amazing!  They had the girls blindfolded and asked them to follow a ropes course.  It started out with a sweet sister giving them loving advice reminding them they are daughters of God and they needed to simply hold to the rod and they will not go astray.  They had to turn corners, step over rocks, there were temptations along the way.  People trying to deceive them, tricking them with candy, even offering them a false rope.  It was quite the journey but not one single one of my girls ever fell for it.  I would like to say that they are all spiritual giants (which they are pretty amazing) but it was mostly because they stayed close.  What a great message.  When you surround yourself with people that have similar standards, beliefs and a common goal it is easier to stay on the straight and narrow.  Because they were so bunched up, they heard what was coming and new they weren't going for it.  When they reached the end of the journey they were welcomed by many people who loved them all dressed in white, hugs and joy was felt by all.  It was a reverent place.  The girls finished by walking up to the "tree of knowledge" and picked a "white fruit" bead representing the pure love of Jesus Christ and his Gospel.  So cool and what a way to set the tone for our week at Girl's Camp!

The next day we did all the things you normally do, attempted many certifications, dirty duties (bathrooms and dinner clean-up for us).  We made lake water Top Ramen over a fire that the girls built.  I got a little more comfortable with the girls but spent a lot of the day just observing them.  I am so grateful for these youth.  I couldn't help but think of the future when Miranda heads to girl's camp.  My Level 2 girls will be her YCL1 (Youth Camp Leader first year) when she is in her 2nd year at camp.  I will not be disappointed!  That night two of our girls went home sick.  I was so sad and kicked myself for not seeing them before they left.  I do hope that even though they were there only about 24 hours, I thought of them often through out the rest of the week!

The third day was our hike.  I started the day with scripture study.  I came across a scripture and little did I know it would come in handy that day.  1 Nephi 16:29 (And there was also written upon them a new writing, which was plain to be read, which did give us understanding concerning the ways of the Lord; and it was written and changed from time to time, according to the faith and diligence which we gave unto it. And thus we see that by small means the Lord can bring about great things.)While I wouldn't say the hike is hard by any means, it is trying.  It isn't like a hike you normally would do on a family walk.  There are steep parts and beautiful views...and blisters and lack of water...not to mention elements out of our control.  I am a person with little patience.  My mentality is even if you don't like it do it anyways.  I am that way with my children, but knew it wouldn't fly in this situation.  We hiked up and up and up.  (you can see the breathtaking view in the video).  We came back down and were ready to hike around the lake.  We started out bushwhacking our way around the shore of the lake.  It didn't take too long to realize the snow melt was so high we wouldn't be able to make the scheduled hike.  One of my favorite moments was watching the girls hold branches and hands helping each other, making the next girl's journey a little easier.  We ended up heading back.  When we reached the point where we originally met up with the lake, girls were upset, some just wanted to go home (camp), some had lots of blisters, others were disappointed that we weren't going on the scheduled hike and still some were getting frustrated that they were out of water.  (Had I been experienced this is when I would have pulled out the iodine tablets that I had to check off water purification certification, but lesson learned!)  We started heading back and our priesthood leader took us up the trail a little ways, it was the way we would come down if we had been able to trek around the lake.  There was an incident that happened.  I was shocked, disappointed and hurt.  I didn't know how to deal with this but it really was more than I could handle.  I tried to bite my tongue with tears streaming down my face.  I prayed for the right words or at least get my emotions is check.  Then I let it go.  I didn't yell but I told the girls several things but the biggest point was that we are in a beautiful place away from the world, close to our Father in Heaven.  So many people sacrificed a week of their time for these girls and they all had a choice.  They could find the bad and be miserable or choose to seek the good in all that was surrounding them.  (The days theme was "Choice and Accountability too how fitting huh?) It was embarrassing for me and humbling as I went around and apologized to all of them for my outburst.  What surprised me was when I heard them say, don't apologize, we needed to hear it.  I honestly didn't feel I did what I should have done, I felt far from Christ like in my approach.  But it really changed how I interacted with the girls.  It was like I became more human and more approachable.  This night the two girls by them selves joined the rest of the group.  My heart was full as I thanked Heavenly Father.  It was only through Him that it happened.

The fourth day I made it to the crafts area and actually did some crafts.  I noticed friendships growing and diffferent pairings.  I really got to know the girls, their personalities, which most of them are spunky and fun, even the quiet ones.  This night we had a group skit.  Of course my impatience got the best of me, when the girls wanted to hurry up and go do "fun things."  So I threw my hands up and said I was done and they would have to come up with what they were doing.  I was humbled again, when they were superb!  They came up with their skit all on their own, they were hilarious and fun.  I was very proud when people came up to me complimenting on what I had helped the girls achieve, they were even more pleasantly surprised when I told them it had nothing to do with me. I have a completely hands on bossy personality.  When I threw my hands up and let them take over, they really shined.  Again a great reminder, I didn't need to tell them what to do, I just needed to let them be the beautiful daughter Heavenly Father created.  What Gems!  That night the other group of girls split up and some came over and slept by me.  One girl in particular spent some time telling me more about herself.  This was one of my favorite nights.  I fell asleep to the girls chattering about all kinds of stuff.  Some of it caused me to laugh out loud and wish I was young again.  And then I went to sleep, I slept like a rock, which speaks a lot when you are sleeping under the stars with the constant bear warnings.

Our last full day approached I wish I had more pictures of this day.  We spent the morning doing dirty duties, then tryouts for the talent show, lunch and then a service project for the camp.  At this point I was wiped out and exhausted.  Besides the tears I felt like all I did was boss the girls around taking them away from their "free time."   We had our water fest it was a team expereince, and it is a story and a half.  But needless to say I learned from camp that I  have thick skin so the mosquitoes don't really care for me, unfortunately I wear my emotions on the outside of them.

I really hope I have many more years of camp experiences in my future.  I was surrounded by so many great leaders and future leaders.  I learned so much just being in their presence.  I have a fear of Junior High and High School for my children.  I learned that these people love the youth so very much, it is FOR REAL!  My children will be surrounded by the most wonderful bubble of love and support, people who encourage them to follow close to the Savior, to seek after those things that will make them happy by serving our Savior, as well as confirm that each and everyone of them is a special and unique gem in the sight of their Heavenly Father.  As much as I hoped to touch these girls lives, they touched mine more.  I learned so much being in their presence.  And by the end felt a tinge of jealousy that they were able to have such an experience as a youth.

I do have a testimony of our Father in Heaven.  I know at those times when we feel we are failing Him, He will help us grow and He will use each one of us to help others.  I know with all my imperfections He loves me and I am valuable in His sight.  As long as I am willing to serve Him and let His light shine through me, He will continue to bless me.  The best blessings are experiences like these that I will treasure forever!



As a reward for reading this LOONNGG post I have attached my video montage of pictures from camp.  If any of "My Girls" read this.  I love you and you will always have a special place in my heart.  Each and everyone of you, Level 2s, YCL1s and especially my Assitant, boy I learned alot from her too!